It Hurts

Every step I make feels so heavy…We didn’t get to see each other for such a long time. Will he be happy to see me?



[Flashback]



After that night, Oppa never touched me again. I should be happy but somehow I’m sad. It’s good that he’s not touching me anymore but I noticed that he’s also staying away from me. He began leaving early for school and not to wait for me, we used to go together… but I think it won’t be like that anymore.



He also began going home late and according to the maids he’s always drunk and sometimes he would just go home to change his clothes. We barely see each other now, it feels like he doesn’t live in the mansion anymore.



Once we had a chance to see each other at school but he just ignored me. I felt hurt when he did that. I don’t understand him, but I pushed myself to think that it’s better to be that way than to go back doing our deed again.



He stayed being like that for months. My parents went back home from abroad to stay for a couple of days. I’m happy that my parents are back but I felt that something is missing.



Then one day oppa went home early but he brought someone with him. He brought a really beautiful girl with him. They came hand in hand and as I saw them, I felt thousands of needles stabbing my chest.



My parents were so happy to see him with a girl, but somehow I couldn’t make myself happy for them. She smiles so sweetly whenever he whispered her something then he would smile back at her. I can’t help but notice oppa’s eyes… just like the last night we were together. It’s still full of sadness.



He introduced me to her. She seemed kind and innocent but couldn’t make myself to like her.



I felt really uncomfortable that day with them around. He would wrap his arm around her shoulders while she would her arm around his waist… he would smile at then kiss her forehead. I don’t know but it’s painful for me to watch them while my parents were so giggling whenever they show affection to each other.



Whenever we our eyes meet, my heart would pound crazily, but he would immediately look away. I have never felt this way before but after that night I couldn’t understand my own feelings. I’m starting to hate myself for having random feelings… does it mean I love him? But no... I can’t…. I must not…



Even at school they would always be together. I didn’t know that she’s also studying at our school. Whenever I saw them together, she would approach me and then talk to me as if we’re already close while oppa’s just standing beside her watching us talk, he wouldn’t utter a word and just let us.



I feel really awkward with them. I sometimes wonder if she knew what kind of person oppa was back then.



Days have passed… My parents went back abroad for their work and oppa’s still with her… I was left alone again.



I started to move on and tried to socialize with others, at first it was hard because I’m used to being only with oppa. I didn’t have any friends back then because oppa would get mad at me whenever I’m with someone else.



I felt happy because I finally earned myself friends quickly as I thought, there’s this someone in our class who is very kind to me, and he’s our class president. He would always make me laugh with his silly jokes and sometimes we would eat lunch together.



One day, I went home early to get some things because we’ll be having a group study at one of our classmate’s house. I went to our house’s library to get my other things.



There I saw oppa and his girlfriend sharing a very passionate kiss… I was stunned and couldn’t move from where I’m standing. I couldn’t believe that they’re doing what oppa and I were doing back then. Little moans could be heard from her while oppa thrust his fingers on her, their eyes were both closed as if they’re savoring each pleasure they shared.



Maybe oppa noticed that someone was watching them because he suddenly opened his eyes then shifted his gaze towards me, he was surprised when he saw me as his eyes widened because of my presence. But he didn’t stop from what he was doing.



He kept thrusting his fingers on her while kissing her hungrily, his eyes are still locked with mine and still I couldn’t move from where I am standing.



I came back to my senses when she let out a loud moan, oppa immediately shut her up with his mouth… I immediately turned back and ran as fast as I could… Tears suddenly rolled down on my cheeks and I could feel my heart as if it’s been ripping into pieces. I kept shaking my head to let out all the things I saw in that room.



‘How could he easily do that with other girl… I feel totally used… Am I just like any other girls that he used to satisfy himself?’ A lot of things were bothering my mind as I ran outside the mansion. Suddenly, I bumped into someone.



“Seunghyun sshi?” It was our class president. I forgot that he’ll fetch me before going to our classmate’s house.



“I… I’m sorry I’m late… I got lost while looking for your house” He said while chuckling and scratching the back f his head.



I don’t know what happened… I just found myself burying my head in his chest while crying. Maybe he was shocked for I can feel he stiffened. He asked me what’s wrong while softly patting my back to comfort me.



“It hurts… Please take me away from here” That’s the only words I said. Maybe he understood me for he hugged me tightly while saying everything would be okay.



I spent the night at our classmate’s house. I told Seunghyun not to tell others what happened back at the mansion. I never told him the reason why I cried even though he never asked me… he just lent me his presence to let out all the sadness I felt, and somehow I felt grateful having him by my side.



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[‘His’ POV]


[Flashback]


It was hard getting her out of my system, I have to make myself busy with other things just not to make her appear in my mind, I decided the only thing I could make myself to forget her is not to see her.



After that night I began leaving the house early and not to wait for her, every night I would drown myself with alcohol, go out with different girls and sometimes sleep with them but not to the point that I would have sex with them, I just couldn’t bring myself to do that with others… It felt like a painful punishment but still I couldn’t forget her.



One day I met someone at our class which I thought would make me forget about her. Hyuna is so beautiful and kind, I knew she liked me so I grabbed the chance being with her, I pushed myself to like her but it’s hard.



I had the courage to face Dara with Hyuna being by my side. I thought I couldn’t make it but I’m grateful that Hyuna’s there to support me. I’m guilty knowing that she’s kind and it feels like I’m just using her to forget about Dara, she doesn’t even know about the past I have with my cousin.



When I introduced them with each other, I could not help but to watch Dara, I wanted to know what would be her reaction but all I could see was just blank. I missed her so much, but I must stop myself especially that Hyuna is now with me. Whenever our eyes meet, I would immediately look away, I don’t want to bring back the old me, I’m afraid I would hurt her again.



Hyuna was so kind to her and she told me that she really like Dara. I felt happy that she did, but still feel guilty towards her.



Months passed, Hyuna gave me nothing but happiness but still there’s a part of me still holding on to Dara’s existence. I saw that she already gained herself new friends, I felt jealous but shook it off knowing I must not be selfish over her anymore.



One day I brought Hyuna in the mansion, we spent our time together at the library, I was reading when she suddenly approached me. She softly kissed me in my cheeks then run her hands down my shirt touching my chest. I stiffened and thought for a while.



I stood up to face her. I kissed her passionately, our tongue slipping at each others mouth while I caressed her breast. She softly moan, then it hit me… I remember Dara again. Every time I do it with other girls I cant help not to remember her that’s why I couldn’t make myself to have sex with them imagining that they are her.



I shook it off and continued from what I was doing. I closed my eyes as I slipped my hands under her pants and underwear. I thrust a finger on her wet hole and she let out a soft moan, I pushed another finger inside and thrust it in faster and harder while still kissing her passionately. Her eyes are closed and her other hand was caressing my back while the other was running through my hair.



Then suddenly I felt someone was watching us, I opened my eyes and surprised to see Dara at the door also completely shocked from what she’s seeing.



I didn’t stop from what I am doing… I don’t know why, I just did my thing while my eyes are locked with hers… somehow I feel like I’m doing it with her. I thrust my fingers into Hyuna faster and harder again earning a loud moan from her.



Maybe Dara came out of her senses when she heard it as she immediately turned back and ran. I want to run after her but I stopped myself knowing that it’s better to be that way. I continued pounding my fingers into Hyuna while I closed my eyes to forget what I saw from Dara’s eyes a while ago, I saw sadness in her eyes which I couldn’t understand.



Hyuna suddenly gripped my bulging member out from my pants then started stroking it, I couldn’t help but to let out a small moan.



“Dara ah, faster” I unconsciously blurted out. Hyuna stopped from what she’s doing.



“What? What did you just said?” She asked me but I remained silent. I looked at her and saw disbelief in her face.



“No, it can’t be… she’s your cousin!” She shouted, but I still remained silent. Maybe she understood something because she also turned silent.



“Mianhe” That’s all I could said to her. She immediately fixed herself and turned to me again.



“We’ll talk about this next time… arasso” I could feel hurt from her voice, I just nodded to her, maybe she knew I’m still not ready to talk about it that day. She kissed me on the cheeks before she went out. I felt so guilty and mad at myself for letting myself remember her again.



As I was about to walk out the room, I saw outside the window Dara hugging someone. I felt terrible pain in my chest and jealousy struck me. She’s wrapped with someone else’s arms while she’s crying… it’s too painful to watch as a drop of tear rolled down from my eyes.



“It hurts….” I said as I wiped my tear and clutching my chest.