Letting go

[Dara’s POV]




I was scared of him. I never thought he could do such things to me back then, as I realized that we were doing a sinful deed it was already too late, we both completely fell deeply into the bliss of our pleasure.




We continued doing our sinful secret. When people are around he would act like a typical caring brother but when people turned their backs, we would act like animals hungry for each other. I know that there’s no love whenever we do it, we were both just filling up each others satisfaction but even though we never get to the point of having sex, I still felt abused and dirty.




[Flashback – 17 yrs old]




Oppa went home one night completely drunk, the maids took care of him, I got worried about him since it’s the first time I saw him like that but I stayed away, afraid that he might do something to me, especially that he’s drunk.




As I was about to sleep in my room, the door slowly opened revealing my drunk oppa. I sat up straight upon seeing him.




“Oppa, what are you doing here? You should stay at your room, you’re drunk” I stayed calm even though I felt really nervous.




He didn’t listen to me instead he slowly approached me on my bed. I got scared when he’s only inches away from me. I was about to call the maids when he immediately covered my mouth.




“Dara ah, mianhe” He whispered into my ears, I could feel his hot breath brushing through my neck. I struggled but he pushed himself on top of me. I thought I would suffer a night of ‘pleasure’ again, but I was surprised at his next moves.




He let go of my mouth, it’s my chance to get help but I didn’t do it as I saw sadness in his eyes again.




“Oppa, what’s wrong?” He didn’t answer instead he just caressed my cheeks softly while mumbling.




“Mianhe, mianhe my princess” after that he kissed my cheeks.




I didn’t struggle because of his gentleness, and his acts didn’t make me felt scared. He kept on whispering sorry while showering my face with his soft kisses. Then, he started to cry.




I felt confused on why he’s crying but I just thought that maybe it’s the effect of alcohol. He didn’t stop crying while mumbling sorry which made me felt sad and hurt seeing him like that. I softly wiped his tears and caressed his cheeks hoping that he’ll calm.




He slowly grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest, and I could feel his heart beating so fast. He kissed me gently on the lips while tears keep flowing from his closed eyes. Our lips stayed locked with each other for a while.




I never felt that gentleness before, my heart began to flutter and I felt it racing so fast like it’s ready to come out of my chest.




After the kiss, he looked at me in the eyes and it still full of sadness with that, tears began to form in my eyes as well.




He kissed my hands as he stared at me again.




“Dara ah… Saranghae” I stayed quiet as tears started to fall down my cheeks. It’s the first time I heard him saying those words to me. My heart pounded faster than before, I couldn’t understand my feelings anymore.




We kissed again both our eyes closed, we savored each moment while tears keep rolling down our cheeks.




He pulled out first from the kiss, stared at me for a moment then he kissed my forehead and rested his head on my chest. I could still hear his sobs but both of us didn’t utter any words.




‘Could he hear my heart crazily racing?’ I thought, but I didn’t care anymore, because ‘for once I liked the feeling of being close to him…’He then hugged my waist. ‘…and for once I felt secured and safe in his arms.'




We stayed like that for a while until we both fell asleep.




I woke up from the warm rays that touched my cheeks, and I looked up to the clock and saw that it is already 10 in the morning… good thing we didn’t have a class. As I felt relieved, I suddenly remembered oppa. I glanced at my side but he wasn’t there anymore… maybe be left already.




My heart started to pound hard again and my cheeks burned when I remembered last night’s incident. I immediately stood up, I don’t know why but I need to see him, I was confused on how he acted last night. I asked the maids about where he is and they said that he already left the mansion.




My heart won’t stop from beating so hard, I don’t want what I am feeling right now. ‘This isn’t right’ I thought.




[End of flashback]




I am standing at the end of the long dark hallway. I don’t know if I still want to see him again, but my feet dragged me and started my way towards the library.




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[His POV]




Protecting her is the only thing I could do for her but I made a great sin for going beyond our border. Protecting her should be for her own good but it turned out to be my own benefit. I never realized that I’m imprisoning her with my desires.




[Flashback]




I want to make up for the things I’ve done to her, but whenever I looked at her, I could see fear in her eyes. At first when we do ‘it’, she would just go with the flow but the past few months I could feel her shivered and she would cry after doing our deed.




‘Am I really that selfish? I just want her to feel my love… I just want to posses her, I just want her to be only mine.’




Her, feeling scared of me felt like a stab in my heart. I love her so much but I guess she would never feel the same way for me… ‘I should let her go… I love her so much… I want to make her happy but I only gave her sorrow and pain.’ I thought




One night I drown myself in alcohol, hoping that I could also drown my selfishness, I decided to let her go that night…




I went to her room and asked for forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve any from her but I just want her to know how sorry I am… That would be the last time, I promised myself.




The alcohol helped me to bring out all my feelings for her… it’s the first time I told her that I love her… I didn’t tell her before that I love her because I’m afraid to hear how much she hates me… I didn’t expect any reply from her I just want to tell her that before I let her go.




I left early because once I see her I’m afraid I’ll forget about my promise, it stings my heart letting her go, but it’s the only way to make her happy and to truly protect her… protect her from my own selfishness.




[End of flashback]




That decision was like the best thing I did for her… I just don’t want to hurt her anymore… Loving her is the greatest sin I’ve committed.